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What is a High-Conflict Divorce and How Can You Manage It?
When a marriage ends, emotions often run high. Arguments over finances, parenting, and even who gets the family dog can create stress. But when these disagreements spiral into constant hostility and unresolved disputes, it can lead to what’s known as a high-conflict divorce.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by endless battles, tense exchanges, or concerns about your children’s well-being, you’re not alone. High-conflict divorces are emotionally draining and often more complicated than typical separations. Understanding what makes a divorce “high conflict” and knowing how to manage it can help you take control of the situation.
In this guide, we’ll break down the signs of a high-conflict divorce, offer practical tips to navigate the challenges, and provide actionable strategies to protect yourself and your family during this tough time.
What is a High-Conflict Divorce?
A high-conflict divorce involves prolonged, hostile behaviour that makes the divorce process difficult, emotionally exhausting, and sometimes, more expensive.
The key characteristic of a high-conflict divorce is that one or both parties refuse to cooperate. The conflict often stems from deep-seated emotional issues, unresolved anger, or even personality disorders, such as narcissism.
Signs You’re in a High-Conflict Divorce
You might be dealing with a high-conflict divorce if:
- Your ex plays the blame game. They refuse to take any responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage or the complications of the divorce.
- Every little issue becomes a battle. Even minor decisions or routine matters spark arguments.
- Your ex won’t communicate constructively. Conversations quickly turn into shouting matches, or they completely ignore attempts to resolve issues.
- They involve the kids inappropriately. This could include badmouthing you to the children, pressuring them to take sides, or exposing them to details of the divorce they shouldn’t have to deal with.
- Litigation is excessive. Instead of trying to settle things out of court, your ex continuously files motions or contests every issue, prolonging the divorce process unnecessarily.
How to Survive a High-Conflict Divorce
It’s hard to know exactly what to expect when going through a high-conflict divorce, but there are ways to proactively manage the repercussions. Here’s how to stay grounded and protect your well-being.
1) Focus on What You Can Control
You can’t control your ex’s behavior, but you can control your responses. Staying calm and collected—not easy, but doable—can prevent situations from escalating. Remember, reacting emotionally can feed into the conflict and give your ex more fuel to use against you.
Instead of getting pulled into arguments, take a step back. Practice mindfulness or deep breathing techniques when things get heated. Keeping your cool not only helps you but also shows the court you’re the more level-headed party, if it comes to that.
2) Limit Communication
High-conflict divorces often involve a lot of toxic back-and-forth. Only engage in necessary conversations, and keep communication as brief and factual as possible.
Use tools like email or text instead of phone calls. This way, you’ll have a chance to think before responding. Also, emails and texts leave a paper trail, which can be useful if disputes escalate.
3) Set Firm Boundaries
Boundaries are critical in any high-conflict situation. Decide what behavior you will and won’t tolerate, and stick to it. For instance:
- If your ex tries to engage in a screaming match, calmly end the conversation.
- Refuse to discuss topics unrelated to the divorce or parenting.
- Ignore inflammatory comments and focus on the task at hand.
Boundaries help you maintain a sense of control and protect your mental health.
4) Prioritize Your Children’s Well-Being
Kids can become pawns in high-conflict divorces. Do everything you can to shield them from the drama. Avoid badmouthing your ex, even if they do it to you. Kids deserve to have relationships with both parents, free of tension and resentment.
If your ex drags the kids into arguments, document everything and speak to a high conflict divorce lawyer. Family courts take parental alienation and emotional manipulation seriously.
5) Work with a Strong Legal Team
A high-conflict divorce takes more legal guidance than an amicable one. Make sure your attorney understands the dynamics of your situation. They can help you anticipate your ex’s moves and come up with strategies to counter them.
Be honest with your high-conflict divorce attorney about everything—no matter how uncomfortable. Full disclosure allows them to represent you effectively and avoid surprises that could harm your case.
6) Document Everything
Keep records of all interactions with your ex, including emails, texts, and any incidents where they behaved inappropriately. These records can be incredibly valuable if your divorce ends up in court.
For example:
- Save proof of inflammatory or manipulative messages.
- Keep track of any missed visitation schedules or unfulfilled agreements.
- Document anything involving the kids that seems concerning, such as inappropriate conversations or withheld information.
7) Stay Child-Focused
Whenever possible, make decisions based on what’s best for your kids. Courts prioritize their well-being above all else, and showing that you’re committed to their needs strengthens your case.
Be prepared to compromise on small issues to keep the peace or take the high road in disputes.
8) Take Care of Yourself
It’s easy to get so wrapped up in a high-conflict divorce that you forget to take care of yourself. But neglecting your physical and emotional health only makes things harder.
- Stay active. Exercise can reduce stress and improve your mood.
- Eat well. Nutritious meals can help you feel more energized and focused.
- Get enough sleep. A well-rested mind is better equipped to handle challenges.
- Seek high-conflict divorce counseling. A professional can help you process your emotions and develop coping strategies.
Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s essential when you’re dealing with a stressful situation like this.
Conclusion
Finally, be patient. High-conflict divorces need time. Take things one step at a time and remind yourself that this won’t last forever. Focus on the end goal—a fresh start and a more peaceful life—to stay motivated.
At Henriksen & Henriksen, we’re dedicated to guiding you through even the most challenging situations with strength and clarity. Whether it’s protecting your rights, advocating for your children’s well-being, or helping you find the best path forward, we’re here to fight for the resolution you deserve.